cold and broken hallelujah

by cj millar 6.11.2009

as i cleaned the bathroom to this song this morning, i thought of how one of the most humbling yet necessary tasks could make me reflect on so much.  the music echoed in the empty bathroom as the smell of bleach and clean filled the thick humid air.  i scrubbed the dirt and mildew clean, wishing that i could do the same for so many souls that i knew, and just scrub the dark away.  alas, if it were only that easy.

discarded and lost, i see the worst of the forgotten of the animal world.  i see the horses that nobody wanted, or worse, that somebody wanted, paid good money for, and rode until they just couldn't hold up to all they were asking.  cold and broken, they are sent away with nothing but an hallelujah, waiting for someone to come along to tell them that its okay, and they are loved and they are worth something again to someone, somewhere.  i see these broken horses, sad and lonely, looking for just approval and love from the humans that they once called home.  in their eyes i see broken trust, soft sadness, and a silence of trepidation wondering what will happen next.  where will they go now?  who will take them in?  what if they can't hold up for what's asked of them next?  will they be thrown away like before? 

even worse is the look of forlorn emptiness on a two month old, ripped from her mother at only days old, for her mother's milk was more valuable to a baby worth more money than she.  she was nothing.  she was a by-product, garbage to be discarded, and discarded she was.  fortunately for her, she was found, and saved by a rescue that took her in, and worked with us to place her (along with many others) into homes.  we drove all day and we drove all night with nothing but a cold and broken hallelujah to lead the way to make it to her.  over 5 mountain ranges, 6 states, 9 interstates and over 1100 miles in 24 hours with no sleep, following the needs of a small lost filly without a mother or a home, calling out "hallelujah."

the road to another home is a short one these days, with people like this who see animals not as souls, but as possessions to be bought and traded and thrown away based on what's best for them.  the road from a home to auction, and eventually to slaughter is even shorter these days, these ways, and the ability to replace one life with another in some minds comes far too easy.  it's never easy for me, for i could discard a soul no sooner than i could end a life or walk away from one in need, and i'm baffled that such coldness exists in so many that i have walked upon.  these people i choose to walk past, for there's no saving a soul that has no value for others, and no regard for anything but themselves.  a soul is a precious thing, to be cherished and loved, yet somehow more often it's a cold and broken hallelujah.

the air is thick with last night's rain, and the sky hangs dark over the horizon, threatening to do it again.  like so many i know that do this again and again, throwing away what's no longer useful, i close my eyes and let the warm salty tears run down my face.  i'm overwhelmed by the sadness in a small filly's eyes, crushed by the words that a horse i once knew has been cast aside for another, better version, heartbroken that the people i once thought had souls, i reconsider and think perhaps they have lost their own somewhere along this road of cold and broken hallelujahs.  the dark clouds roll in foreboding of a storm to come and i welcome it with open arms, wishing the lightening and thunder and rain would wash away all that was dark and evil in this world.  i'm hurt, i'm saddened, and i'm cold and broken, with nothing to follow but the path of my own soul, collecting the lives and souls of all that i love along the way to do my best to keep them safe, to provide them shelter from the storm and offer them love that will follow them through many lives, for all that's ever to come.  it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and broken hallelujah.  i did my best, it wasn't much, i couldn't feel, so i tried to touch.  i've told the truth, i didn't come to fool you.  and even though it all went wrong i'll stand before the Lord of Song, with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah.  love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah.  and i follow my soul and those that i love to the ends of the earth, across lives & time to whatever places i am called.  i offer up my life, my soul, my song, and close my eyes and sing this cold and broken hallelujah.

dedicated to Ever After, nicknamed "Nikki" after the Cinderalla movie and hopes for her own happy ending, along with all the other horses, lost as well as saved.  hallelujah.

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